Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Randomize
