Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
