I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
