Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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