I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
two words: eviction party
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
