Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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