for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
