I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
