ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
