dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
