I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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