Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
