Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
