you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
