The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
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