OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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