Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
