and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
