I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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