You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
