I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
