update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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