I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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