After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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