Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
