the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
