So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Girls should come with a carfax report
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
