you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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