I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i was born a porn star she said
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
