The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
