Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
