I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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