I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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