I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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