so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
