apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
