my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
