at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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