Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize