Whatcha textin bout Willis?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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