so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
