I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
