just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
