I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
