WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
