no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
