i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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