I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
