I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize