I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
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