My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
