she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
