Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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