I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
