having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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