I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
