While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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